Grief Is
(by Dale Miller) * I changed his use of “her’s” to “him’s” in the poem (he is a young male widow who lost his female spouse) – I did this so it would be more symbolic of the loss of well, my everything. Without Jacob, I am no one. A body without a soul. A zombie in a haze with constant command thoughts circling in my brain of “just end this misery already”. My dear dear friend Élise who I love deeply sent me this poem. I have never found words so relatable in my grief. There is no “time heals all wounds” bullshit in this poem. There is no happy ending or moving on like all the grief books emphasize. This poem is real – it is “The Real McCoy” as Jacob would say. This is my suffering. This is the suffering I feel every moment. This is the pain Élise feels with every breath. And I want you to read this and try to understand how torturous it is to lose everything. Your spouse, your best friend, your soulmate (since 7th grade!), your future, your children. All gone. And on May 4th, 2019 I will be turning 27. Jesus Christ. That is the age Jacob died – and I have been bedridden hiding from the world (literally frozen, psychotic, and crumbling in sadness) for the past 19 months. My birthday will be exactly 20 months since Jacob was taken from the world. My birthday, a day Jacob made so special, is forever magnified in horror. Jacob would call it a “birth month” instead of “birthday”. He would surprise me with something special almost every day of the month. The little things he did were so full of love and devotion. I remember his touch on my skin and the hours of cuddling. One birthday while Jacob and I were home from school at my parent’s house- Jacob said to my mom “Thank you so much, Mrs. Griffith” and my mom responded, “For what, Jakey?” “For giving birth to my Kaitlin. May 4th is the best day of the year.” Then he gave me a giant hug from behind and said: “I love you so much baby girl.” This day with so many beautiful memories will forever be a mark of his death.
Grief is
Feeling great joy and unbelievable sadness
In the same moment
Grief is
Feeling like you’re breaking apart
But knowing you can’t – you’re already broken
Grief is
Realizing you don’t go to hell from here
You’re already there
Grief is
Waking in the morning
And crying because you did
Grief is
Fake plastic smiles and sad puffy eyes
Grief is
Hiding yourself away
So no-one else need suffer
Grief is
Going through the motions
And not knowing why
Grief is
Not knowing how to explain
Anything
Grief is
Listening to people say they understand
But knowing they don’t
Grief is
Feeling absolutely alone
And smaller than small
Grief is
A hole inside that no one can see
Exactly the shape of him
Grief is
Never ending
Grief is
Not wanting to eat, sleep, work, dream, or face today
Grief is
Feeling like you’re going insane
And realizing you already did that last week and the week before, and the week before that
Grief is
The worst feeling ever
Sadness far beyond sad
Grief is
Visiting a grave to try to feel better
Trudging through knee-deep snow to clean off a headstone and have a talk
Grief is
Trying to figure out
Why you’re still here
Doing everything you can think of
So you’ll finally be allowed to be with him
Grief is
Getting it out
Only for it to fill back up
And doing it over and over and over
Grief is
Dreading the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and tomorrow
Grief is
Friends leaving your life
And you not knowing why
You ought to see them run
Grief is
Feeling guilty for things you didn’t do
Wrongs you didn’t commit
And for not being able to save him.
Grief is
Counselors and medications
That don’t really help
Grief is
Anything but peaceful
Grief is
Learning to drive
And cry at the same time
Grief is
Being told to get over it
Or suck it up, buttercup
Grief is
Shaking uncontrollably
For no apparent reason
Grief is
Not being able to enter a room
Our bedroom
Grief is
The willingness to do absolutely anything
To try to feel better
Grief is
Being kicked while you’re down
People can be so cruel
Grief is
Being taking advantaged of
Grief is
Having to hang up the phone
Because you’re crying too hard to be understood
Grief is
Writing stupid poems
That no one will ever read
Grief is
Memories
Both painful and good
Grief is
Packing up his belongings
To send them to the vultures that are circling
Grief is
Laying out his coat on a table
And watching as the cat’s fight over who gets to lay on it, it still smelled like him.
Grief is
Being angry at God
Grief is
Picking up the pieces of your life
Just to put them down again
Grief is
Trying to figure out
What grief is
Grief is
Trying to learn about grief
From people who have never felt it
Grief is
Crying in your sleep
Grief is
Hurting this bad
And still being alive
Grief is
Having to explain to someone
Who hadn’t heard he was gone
Grief is
Being told to remember the good times
And knowing those are the memories that hurt the worst
Grief is
Crying so hard
You throw up
Grief is
Having to fight with family members
For his last wishes to be kept
Grief is
Finding a trinket that once made him smile
Grief is
Feeling like you did a week after he passed
Four years later
Grief is
Love doesn’t die
Just because he did.
